CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENTS A-GO-GO LOWEST COMMON DOMINATORS In a desperate bid to head off a reverse Republican landslide in November's midterm elections, Preznit Dubya's puppet-masters have ordered him to fire up his lunatic base by reviving the previous election cycle's failed push for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. In an Orwellian twist, the White House has even tried to frame this desperate and divisive posturing as a civil rights issue. Fortunately, this tactic seems to be backfiring on them. That doesn't mean they're going to stop trying, however. In fact, according to yer old pal Jerky's sources, this rotten administration plans to trot out a whole slew of constitutional amendments designed to motivate the mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, spite-fueled activist minority that forms the hard core of the Republican voting block. Here are just a few of them, collected in this list of the… TOP 13 OTHER CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENTS BUSH WANTS TO PASS! 13. The Executive Immunity from Prosecution Amendment ...in order to ensure a smooth continuity of governmental services despite the rampant and widespread corruption and criminality of government officials. 12. The Democratization of Science Amendment ...because it's time we put that whole "God versus Darwin" thing to a binding referendum and get on with our lives. 11. The Emancipation Proclamation Retraction Amendment ...our ability to remain competitive on the global stage depends on it. 10. The Don't Mess with Texas Amendment ...because you don't want to be messing with Texas. 9. The Natural Disaster Non-Interference Amendment ...are we really so arrogant as to believe we should intervene during Acts of God? 8. The Official Recognition of Biblical Infallibility Amendment ...because the Bible is infallible. It says so right there in the Bible! 7. The Rehabilitation or Quarantine Amendment ...offering homosexuals a real choice, not just liberal lip-service. 6. The Fair and Balanced Media Amendment ...because nothing ensures unbiased coverage quite like the threat of quarter million dollar fines. 5. The Reconciliation of Church and State Amendment ...ensuring a successful post-Apocalyptic future by correcting the heretical mistakes of the past. 4. The Total Information Awareness Amendment ...because those who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security are exactly the kind of patriots this country needs right now. 3. The Rotating Socio-cultural Scapegoat Amendment ...giving Blacks, Gays, Muslims and Hispanics some breathing room by letting them share the responsibility of providing Americans with a collective cultural pressure-valve. 2. The Fetal Suffrage Amendment ...because you can't just go around aborting voters, now, can you? 1. The Permanent Republican Majority Amendment ...you're just going to have to trust us that this will all be for the best in the long run. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY June 1 In 1921, this was the day of the Black Wall Street Riots. A prosperous black community in Tulsa, Oklahoma was burned to the ground by a 5000-strong mob of armed white folks, who were enraged that a 100-strong mob of armed black men had convened on City Hall in order to prevent the lynching of a shoe-shine boy accused of raping a white woman. [She later admited making up the story - Jerky] At one point, the city called in bi-planes to air-bomb the community with dynamite, leveling it. Officially, the body-count was 81 (21 whites, 60 blacks), but estimates have ranged as high as 3000. Many records were destroyed during and after the attack, and efforts are underway to examine abandoned mine-shafts in the area, long-believed to have been used as mass graves for hundreds of unaccounted-for blacks. On this day in 1980, Ted Turner's Cable News Network -- better known as CNN -- begins broadcasting its particular blend of USA Today-style quasi-news-nuggets and obsessive-compulsive overcoverage of irrelevant bullshit... And it's been all down-hill from there. On this day in 1975, guitarist Ron Woods replaces Mick Taylor in the Rolling Stones. Chaos ensues.

THEY SAID IT! "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much. ... And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy." - Ann "Thrax" Coulter isn't exactly "reveling" in Matt Lauer's reading of her own incredibly stupid words back at her. In fact, in her cocaine-fueled fluster, she comits an act of psychological projection so pathetically blatant that the studio audience literally gasps in scornful pity. Ya gotta see it! *** **** *** "Having my husband burn alive in a building brought me no joy. Watching it unfold on national TV and seeing it repeated endlessly was beyond what I could describe. Telling my children they would never see their father again was not fun. And we had no plans to divorce." - Lorie Van Auken, one of the "Jersey Girls" -- whom Coulter dubs "the Witches of East Brunswick" -- responds to Coulter's insanity via the Daily News. A razor-cock choke-fuck might have been more appropriate, but also illegal.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Trembly Dale! A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my privates. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your member back in your pants???" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke. In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?" Suzy says "Forty." The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant." Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?" Suzy answers "Nineteen." The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant." Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old are you?" Suzy says, "I'm seven years old." The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant." Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's syruppy "message" joke was sent in by SSG Tucker... The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?" He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Susan. Be honest. What do you make?" Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence. You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn." Susan paused and then continued. "You want to know what I make? I make every other profession possible. I make a difference. What do you make?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: 2004 WAS STOLEN care of: MattDragon Here is irrefutable proof, complete with documentation, that the 2004 elections were stolen. Republicans prevented more than 350,000 voters in Ohio from casting ballots or having their votes counted - enough to have put John Kerry in the White House. But despite the media blackout, indications continued to emerge that something deeply troubling had taken place in 2004. Nearly half of the 6 million American voters living abroad (3) never received their ballots - or received them too late to vote (4) - after the Pentagon unaccountably shut down a state-of-the-art Web site used to file overseas registrations. (5) A consulting firm called Sproul & Associates, which was hired by the Republican National Committee to register voters in six battleground states, (6) was discovered shredding Democratic registrations. (7) In New Mexico, which was decided by 5,988 votes, (8) malfunctioning machines mysteriously failed to properly register a presidential vote on more than 20,000 ballots. (9) Nationwide, according to the federal commission charged with implementing election reforms, as many as 1 million ballots were spoiled by faulty voting equipment - roughly one for every 100 cast. (10) The reports were especially disturbing in Ohio, the critical battleground state that clinched Bush's "victory" in the electoral college. Officials there purged tens of thousands of eligible voters from the rolls, neglected to process registration cards generated by Democratic voter drives, shortchanged Democratic precincts when they allocated voting machines and illegally derailed a recount that could have given Kerry the presidency. A precinct in an evangelical church in Miami County recorded an impossibly high turnout of ninety-eight percent, while a polling place in inner-city Cleveland recorded an equally impossible turnout of only seven percent. In Warren County, GOP election officials even invented a nonexistent terrorist threat to bar the media from monitoring the official vote count. (11) But what is most anomalous about the irregularities in 2004 was their decidedly partisan bent: Almost without exception they hurt John Kerry and benefited George Bush. After carefully examining the evidence, I've become convinced that the president's party mounted a massive, coordinated campaign to subvert the will of the people in 2004. Across the country, Republican election officials and party stalwarts employed a wide range of illegal and unethical tactics to fix the election. A review of the available data reveals that in Ohio alone, at least 357,000 voters, the overwhelming majority of them Democratic, were prevented from casting ballots or did not have their votes counted in 2004 (12) - more than enough to shift the results of an election decided by 118,601 votes. (13) In what may be the single most astounding fact from the election, one in every four Ohio citizens who registered to vote in 2004 showed up at the polls only to discover that they were not listed on the rolls, thanks to GOP efforts to stem the unprecedented flood of Democrats eager to cast ballots. (14) And that doesn't even take into account the troubling evidence of outright fraud, which indicates that upwards of 80,000 votes for Kerry were counted instead for Bush. That alone is a swing of more than 160,000 votes - enough to have put John Kerry in the White House.(15) - MattDragon [Click on the above link for the numerated references. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! The reason why Christianity is such a violent religion, I suspect, is because Xtians, just as non-believers, see no evidence of their god punishing people for violating their god's commandments. Therefore, they must do their gods bidding by smooting their perceived enmities. Saint John [Could be. Or maybe it's just humanity in its entirety that sucks. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; A friend well-versed in American history pointed out the other day that Warren Gamaliel Harding was stupid and corrupt but not dangerous. Richard Nixon, on the other hand, was corrupt and dangerous but no one ever said he was stupid. But Dubya? He wins the Triple Crown! All the best, Rbenc [All three were also ugly. What a coinkeedink! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Here's what the rightwingers don´t want you to see happening in the churches, and what they´re doing about it. Leonel [They're updating their website? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; A British company has recently developed computer chips that store and play music in women's breast implants. This is a major break-through, as it promises to silence those women who are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them. Jimon [I don't get how that will work, exactly. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky, Do a Dogpile.com search on General Smedley Butler, see entries under the #1 listing. You might want to post some of it. SINcerely, Y.O.P. Saint John [He's the guy what got kilt by them Indians, ain't he? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey jerky here's an excellent bbc documentary on Intelligent Design. Conor [So what are we gonna do about it? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Have you heard about the Climate Stewardship Act? It's a bipartisan bill in Congress to undo global warming. And your help is needed to get it passed. Global warming is the number 1 environmental issue we face. And America -- the largest global warming polluter -- needs to act. Environmental Defense is working to get 1 million people to sign the online Emissions Petition in support of this bill. Hundreds of thousands have already signed. Please, do as I did and sign the petition today. It's easy -- just use this link. Eric [But I heard some guy say that global warming was fake! Surely this means I needn't pay attention? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com