WONDERS NEVER CEASE A few years ago, Swiss adventurer Bernard Weber decided that the time had come to update and revise Philon of Byzantium's list of the Seven Wonders of the World, first compiled in 200 BC, of which only the Great Pyramids remain. In 2001, as a small step towards achieving his ambitious goal of making mankind's global heritage more accessible and vital to today's busy consumer of travel trivia, Weber created the New 7 Wonders Foundation. Its goal is simple: find still-standing substitutes for such long-gone landmarks as the Lighthouse at Alexandria, the Temple of Artemis, the Colossus of Rhodes, and the rest. An intriguing part of Weber's plan involves the injection of democracy into the process. Yes, that's right, through the miracle of interactive online electronics, even the lowly likes of you and I can be a part of history by helping to choose the New Wonders via internet voting! Unfortunately, though the voting period extends through 2006, the field has already been narrowed down to 21 choices, excluding some worthy candidates (the Kabaa), and including a few that frankly don't belong there (Timbuktu my fat white ass!). Truth be told, yer old pal Jerky isn't too upset at Weber's limited vision, because it gives me a chance to re-run something I wrote for the Dirt back in September of 2003. It's a little ditty I like to call: The SEVEN WONDERS of the REDNECK WORLD! 1. THE HALL OF GOLDEN RECORDS Upon first making the pilgrimage to Graceland, the average Elvis fan is almost invariably stricken by one thought: "It's so small! Almost too small, for a King." By the time you reach the Hall of Golden Records, however, the argument for Elvis's unparalelled ability to take care of business is conclusively made. If the opportunity presents itself, you should also sit on Elvis's death toilet. As one who has, let me tell you, the feeling is truly indescribable. 2. THE COLOSSUS OF ROADS From county fair speedway tracks to mud-pit jamborees, the Colossus of Roads is the Bitch-Goddess Cock-Mother to the entire genus of fire-belching, oxygen-gobbling, eco-system-shredding, H.R. Gigerian abominations known as Monster Trucks. Every new moon, when offered a sacrifice of Bud beer and tailgate BBQ, she squats on her vast chromium haunches, shits out another brood of fat-wheeled prodigies, then leaves her feral spawn to fend for themselves in the cut-throat world of rural promotions. Then, she must mate. I shall spare you the details of that particular horror. 3. VULCAN'S ETERNAL FLAME On the outskirts of Twain - a suburb of Squalor, East Virginia - an inferno has been raging since the seventh year of the Reagan presidency. A forbiding column of crimson and black has risen majestically from the Township Reclamation Center, day and night, since a lightning bolt struck the heart of the complex, igniting a blaze dead center of a vast pile of tires. At the time, it was decided that the best course of action was to "let it burn itself out," and the tenacious people of Twain have stuck to their guns. "It's a point of pride for Twain, as the only town that's got anything like this, so it's cool," claims city native Delmar Boone. "We could do without all the birth defects, though." 4. THE MAZE OF MOBILUS In the shadow of a mountain range that houses a vast, underground military base, just downwind of the most toxic dumpsite in the ostensibly-civilized world, lie the Cyclopean remains of a formerly-thriving mobile home community. Today, more than a decade after the Mysterious Airborne Event that sent most of the terrified tennants fleeing into the night, no shrill yammering disturbs the silent and ponderous atmosphere, as the flow of cable television was cut off long ago. In the ensuing years, tornados and mutants both played a role in transforming the once neat arrangement of trailers into an impenetrable maze filled with deadly obstacles and treacherous traps. Many a venturer has set out to claim its abandoned treasures -- such as the legendary Biggest Stroke-Mag Stash in the World -- never to be heard from again. Some believe the lost have passed through a gateway into another dimension, but neighboring townsfolk believe the maze's dozens of deadly septic-tank sink-pits are more likely to blame. 5. THE HANGING GARDENS OF MISSISSIPPI Between 1882 and 1930, thousands of undesirables were lynched by redneck mobs in the ten states that make up the American South. Roughly one man, woman or child was murdered every week during this 48 year period. And it was in the Hanging Gardens of Mississippi that this "strange fruit" became the bumper crop. Public Negro-lynching was so popular in Mississippi that it briefly became the state's best-attended spectator sport during the 1890's. Families would plan their days around lynchings, taking along picnic baskets, bibles, and an inextinguishable hatred for the Other. At times, however, these extrajudicial executions came so fast upon each other's heels that people had neither the time nor the stomach for food. If the stink didn't kill your appetite, the flies surely would. 6. THE NASCARPOLIS Deep in the fever swamps of Daytona, its presence identified by neither sign nor marker, stands the Nascarpolis. The final resting place of such late, lamented track legends as J.D. McDuffie, Grant Adcox, Tony Roper, Kenny Irwin, Adam Petty, John Nemechek, Rodney Orr, Neil Bonnett, Clifford Allison, Bruce Jacobi, Terry Schoonover, Tiny Lund, Ricky Knott, Friday Hassler, Talmage Prince, Billy Drew Wade, Fireball Roberts, Harold Habering, Joe Weatherly, Marshall Teague, Dale Earnhardt and countless others, this somber edifice stands as both tribute and testament to the ultimate sacrifice made by those gas-guzzling gladiators of the redneck world's bloodiest bloodsport. Within the Nascarpolis' austere marble shell -- tastefully plastered with sponsor logos -- a hushed reverence reigns where the fallen sleep in fame. Filling the vaulted central chamber, the magnificence of the sport is exquisitely symbolized by the 1:1 scale gold and ivory sculpture of a riderless automobile being drawn by 800 horses. Belowground is the reliquary, where those in search of healing may drink from Earnhardt's Cup. Truly worth the drive. 7. THE GREAT WAL-MART OF (MADE IN) CHINA Built at a cost of millions of manufacturing jobs and an untold number of small local businesses, there is nary a point in God's America that isn't within screaming distance of the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China. Though it continues to spread across the landscape like some unstoppable fungus from your grandparents' worst nightmares, the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China is already the only retail outlet visible from outer space. Economic experts have predicted that by the year 2015, fully three-quarters of the nation's redneck workforce will be employed by the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 13 On this day in 1898, Frenchman Emile Zola publishes the most important and influential op-ed piece of all time. On this day in 1957, the Wham-O Company produces the first Frisbee. Dogs, hippies and sandal-wearing European exchange students rejoice. On this day in 1968, the Tet Offensive begins in Vietnam. Chaos ensues. On this day in 2002 Preznit Dubya loses a fight with a pretzel. January 14 On this day in 1954, blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe marries Joltin' Joe DiMaggio, and they live happily ever after. On this day in 2000, late nite legend David Letterman undergoes quintuple heart bypass surgery or, as he still refers to it, "a massive heart attack". On this day in 2005, the Huygens probe lands on Saturn's moon, Titan, sending back some stunning images and sounds. January 15 On this day in 1777, the people of New Connecticut (now known as Vermont) declare their independence from England. If you know any Vermonters, feel free to tease them about the "New Connecticut" thing. Elisha Otis patents the "steam elevator" on this day in 1861, allowing passengers to climb the tallest buildings without breaking a sweat, while simultaneously sweating up a storm by filling the compartment with hot, wet steam. People with heart conditions were urged to use the stairs. On this day in 1919, 21 Bostonians drown in a molasses tsunami when 2 million gallons of the brown, gooey stuff explodes out the bottom of a huge, sixty-foot-high metal tank. The Watergate Burglars plead guilty to all charges in federal court on this day in 1973, which also happens to be the day that President Nixon suspends all American offensive actions in North Vietnam. Coinkeedink? Prolly not. On this day in 1992, Bulgaria recognizes Macedonia. Unfortunately, in an awkward turn of events, Macedonia mistakes Bulgaria for Croatia.

THEY SAID IT! "Guantánamo has been a decoy, drawing attention from a far shadier world of US-sponsored interrogation chambers. For four years, the stratagem worked quite effectively. The Bush administration blustered in response to global anger at the 'secret' Guantánamo prison. Only now is the world finally asking about the archipelago of US prisons around the world, and the fleet of CIA aircraft ferrying prisoners from one torture chamber to the next." - Who would have guessed that Camp X-Ray was supposed to be the GOOD cop in the fast emerging New World Order gulag network? *** **** *** "This should not happen every year. It should be stopped, it's a scandal. There must be a way to organize this better." - This year's hajj trampling bodycount: 345! That's a significant increase over last year's 244. Way to go, guys!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Toddmonster! FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE! 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed And who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women never get to know each other. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal N8possibilities for sending in today's second joke. An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing. The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, "How do ya feed yourself with that thing?!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by David. Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up? Roomers are still flying.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS... care of: Mick Hail Jerky One, You know very well that we can control storms. Remember the flying control center with the "tow-along" Pod? Oops, that was a movie. [Which movie was that? - Jerky] Dick Clark shared his secret with a woman I know, and you DON'T wanna know it. [Let me guess... B-12 shots! - Jerky] I hope it's not the licking type of frogs. And Freedom Fries with gravy still rule. [When you say "licking type of frogs", are you referring to the hallucinogen-secreting Cane Toads, or cunnilinguistic Frenchmen? - Jerky] As far as Alito's answer goes; that's the same one I would give in his position. As a sitting Judge, he should never "second guess" on a case being tried before the High Court. It would drive him nuts and greatly diminish his own work at the time. Even a great mind such as mine was about turned to a quivering mass of gelatin during the time I spent on the subject. Or was that due to the presence of that Bimbette I picked up at a local watering hole? Only time will tell. I must agree that Alito's confirmation is a foregone conclusion. In all honesty. Who would you submit as a candidate? Just curious. [Harvard law professor Laurence Tribe. - Jerky] Awe Jerky, c'mon now. Aahnold's present license gives him the OK to ride a motorcycle with a side car. It doesn't allow him to ride one without one. Since he had the side car attached at the time, he committed no infraction. He has ridden without the unit quite a bit, but wasn't caught at it. I'm sure he'll have the new "M" code added as I am typing. I say this because I ride all of the time and when stopped last summer I found that I was only allowed to operate a moped, due to a screw up at the DMV over 30 years ago. Gonna have to act on that soon. I liked the part about "clearly endangered his 12 year old son". How so? He is an experienced rider. He's been riding for years. And any time you ride a bike, you are endangering your self and anyone with you. That's just the way things are in the world. [That wasn't the first time he rode his Harley. - Jerky] Didn't realize I was celebrating Abby's Birthday last night. I did a fine job anywho. This is the reason you've gotta get back on schedule. Keep me up to date. No one else will. Cheers, YOPMick [Right. So you were referring to Cane Toads. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! jerky old pal. was talking to a guy at work obout the article you posted on es&s and diebold and the evil brother connection.tried to find it in the archives but no luck. can't explain it like you did.can ya help me find it. your loyal reader and fellow fat man, scoot [You could either be referring to William Rivers Pitt's Soapbox from this edition of the Dirt, or the extensive quoting of Mike Malloy in this edition of the Dirt. - Jerky] *** **** *** dearest jerkmiester, Smoke a big fatty and check this out. A New Years greeting from our friends at JPL. Just wish it was longer and not sure about arm wrestling machine? YOP Mickster [Beautiful, beautiful stuff. But you're right about the arm wrestling machine. WTF? - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP Jerky, Since you sounded so lonely in the 1/09 edition of The Dirt ("boo hoo, why doesn't anybody write to me anymore"), here's a question for you... I was reading of opposition to the dispensing of RU486 to rape victims. A mouthpiece from the catholic church said that they weren't opposed as long as the egg had not been fertilized, because that is when life begins. If you're familiar with human gestational development you know that sex isn't determined until the 6th week of pregnancy, until then all fetuses are female. Which brings me to my quandry. If we are born at fertilization, and all fetuses are female at that time, does that not mean that we are all female? Which makes us all lesbians... and da pope a girlie-man! My g/f is turned off by lesbians. Whatever shall I tell her? Help me Obese-wan-Kenobi, you're my only hope. YOP, Rick [Obese-wan-Kenobi. That's a good one. - Jerky] *** **** *** MopJ, Perhaps you've seen this and are shitting as much as am I, perhaps not. Straight to the point: if plane-mount intra-atmospheric units become viable, it's just a short step from there to having a space based unit capable of surgical removal of dissidents, upstarts, whistle-blowers, voicers of calls of alarm, anyone who mentions not being wholly satisfied with the government's performance, etc. Granted, none of this will matter if that rock hits. The Mad Doctor [Then bring on the rock. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mmmmm... Ratball Soup! Dave-aka-Brummbaer *** **** *** Jerky M'Man: Dave-aka-Brummbaer sent you a piece on body armor that used a narrow choice of statistics to show that body armor is inadequate 80% of the time. In fact, tha stats show that 80% of the TORSO CASUALTIES were caused by gaps in the armor. (I guess the other 20% came in spite of the armor). This adds up to 100% of course, but 100% of what? The article should have also considered the number of potential lethal wounds prevented or reduced by the armor. That would probably show that the 100% number is a very small portion of the number of times the armor was involved. I suspect that any soldier or marine that has dug an expended round out of his chest plate has a more positive attitude towards the armor. Nobody promised that combat is a risk free environment. Just a thought YOPJerry [Congratulations! I'm totally confused. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Somebody sent me this link. Made me laugh. YOP, Bob [That's what it's all about, maaan. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky... Yesterday, I was in the process of writing a rather controversial letter to your rag when my would-be wife, Kelly, stopped me from sending it. We monitor each others letters. Don't laugh. Last year, during some money transactions, we found out we were "listed" with the Dept. of Homeland Security as having written letters "detrimental to the Bush Administration". I shit you not. The letter I was writing to you predicted certain assassinations over the next two years. That is why Kelly asked me not to send the letter out. What assurances do we have from you that our, or your readers, identities would be protected in certain instances if something posted on your website caught mainstream media attention? I'm just curious. Cheers, Andy S. [I'm not really in a position to make assurances about protecting reader identity. If the Powers That Be wanted access to the Dirt's logs, I'm not the person they would come to. Besides, they're going to find out. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com